First, you should know that, contrary to the fairy-tale picture, fighting can be a healthy and productive part of your relationship. When both of you are fighting for what you want...   more »

First, you should know that, contrary to the fairy-tale picture, fighting can be a healthy and productive part of your relationship. When both of you are fighting for what you want, and committed to resolution, fighting can help you come up with creative solutions where you are both satisfied.
    But this is not the model of fighting and conflict that many of us expect or learned. If you find yourself having the same fight over and over again, or you find yourselves saying hurtful or mean things frequently during your fights, you should take stock. Ask yourselves these questions as a starting point: What do you want? Saying this directly can make a huge difference in your fight.
    Are you fighting for something, or are you just fighting to not give up your position, to be right, or to prove your point? If you can let go of being afraid to lose ground, you make a lot of progress in actually getting the results you want.
    Do you feel like you are not being seen or heard by your partner? Sometimes just asking your partner to listen to you, or to repeat back what you have said, can give you breathing room during a fight.
    Are you picking a fight because there's something else going on, that you are scared or hurt about? If you find yourself fighting and you don't know why, take the risk to say what's really going on underneath.   « less